We have a saying in our house. Whenever something is done really intentionally, we say it is on big fat purpose. I think it started one time when my daughter was accusing her brother of doing something awful to her and in order to stress the proper amount of outrage, she referred to him committing whatever act it was on BIG FAT PURPOSE. It stuck. And so forevermore, whenever anything is filled with big feelings and purpose, it is BIG FAT PURPOSE.

I guess big feelings are kind of a thing around our house too. My daughter, who I have written about before, has BIG feelings, but lately, I have come to realize that, gulp, so do I. I will be honest and say this feels very vulnerable to admit. Like move over Brene’ Brown vulnerable. It has been an unlikely journey, but through the course of almost of year of work, I have realized that I have spent 40 plus years of my life denying I have strong feelings and doing a tremendous amount of work trying to hide them. Surprise! It wasn’t super successful. In fact, it was exhausting! I would rationalize away my feelings. I would argue against them. I would shame my feelings. I would ignore them even, and all it seems to have gotten me is tired.

You might wonder why someone would go to such great lengths to ignore or deny their feelings. Bless you and your innocence. To me, it was quite simple. Feelings are messy. They are unpredictable and unreliable. They are often even–at least in my mind–tacky. (Apparently tackier than sharing your inner struggles on the internet!) So I pretended they didn’t exist. Super grown-up no? I have now decided that since denying they exist isn’t really that advanced, I am going to acknowledge them. Please note that I did not say indulge them. They still don’t get to drive. But they deserve to be acknowledged at the very least.

So why this super share fest? Well, because I have recently decided I will be aware of my feelings, wow, have I been surprised at all of them. They are there all the time–no wonder ignoring them was a full-time gig. And, there is one particular emotion that I really wanted to talk about today that keeps bubbling up and asserting itself in the most amazing way. It isn’t your simple to identify happy, sad, mad, glad kind of emotion. It is deeper, better and a bit hard to fully explain. Purpose.

Wait, what? Is that an emotion? Maybe not in the most classic sense. I did tell you it was a bit elusive. Maybe contentment with fire is a better way to describe it. Or maybe relaxed zeal? Peace and passion? Realized potential? I think you can see what I am getting at. It is a simultaneous feeling of both being tremendously excited and completely at home in your very being doing what you are supposed to be doing. It is the feeling I get when I wake up at 3 am and realize that it is only 2.5 hours until I get to wake up and put some loaves of bread in the oven to gift to someone. It is the contented excitement I feel when I wrap a freshly made loaf in a kitchen towel and baker’s twine and affix a stamped tag to it. It is the feeling I get right before I take a deep breath and knock on a door with a loaf in hand. Oh, and it is definitely, definitely in the warm glow I feel as I walk away after I have made a delivery, a connection and accomplished my task.

What is interesting in my awareness of how this feels, is that I never would have initially thought about my feelings as they relate to my project. It was always intended to make other people feel loved, feel seen and connected with (and I believe it has). It was about doing something for others that I felt strongly about for them. I felt like I had a role to fill and a part to play and I do still feel that way, but I never would have started a project to make bread and intentionally gift it away because I thought it would make me feel good. But what I love, and what I didn’t see coming is that quite literally, God made me for this and He made this for me. What an amazing discovery! I obviously knew these were things I could do, and even wanted to do. But this is deeper. This is my (Big Fat) purpose. This is the purpose I have been given and gifted.

It feels a bit bold to say this out loud and publically. Like I am boasting about having this amazing design when it is really just making bread and giving it to people. But on the other hand, why then does doing this work feel better than putting on the most comfortable pair of jeans and yet more exciting than leaving for a big trip you have planned for years? It feels right and good and alive. I could not have conceived this plan on my own, nor understood how I would feel executing it. That could only be divine intervention from a Creator who knows our needs before we know them ourselves, and who created me to have my big feelings and this purpose. From my kitchen, it is hard not to be in awe of that design.