I have a confession to make. I am an awkward hugger. I probably need to apologize. I am not sure why or how this started, but I can make a strong case for genetics or something in my childhood because my sister and I both share this social oddity. I should explain.

I overthink hugs. I basically think there are two kinds of hugs in the world, the clear cut emotional response hugs, and then there are the unclear social cue hugs. My beef is with the latter. Let me be clear, sometimes hugs flow naturally from me and they are literally the most wonderful thing in the world. I regularly hug my kids and my husband. Likewise, friends, I haven’t seen in a long time, or even if I just don’t see them regularly? Hug. Wonderful warm hugs where you are so happy to see them you don’t want to let go to see their face kind of hugs. They are natural and awesome. Also, special occasion hugs? I am down. Christmas parties, birthday parties (generally big ones that end in zeros, not children’s parties please), weddings, graduations, etc. are all good reasons to hug someone you love and or care for.

But where I get in trouble, and I am really thinking it is humanity’s fault for not creating something else, is when I see an acquaintance or even a friend that I see regularly. How do I greet you warmly and yet not press my entire body against yours and invade your personal space? Or have you invade mine? Does anyone even want that? I have tried the slightly tilted head (displays maximum empathy), the side hug (most awkward ever), and the rub your arm from a safe distance (hey creeper). None fit the bill. Having trouble understanding the awkward? Allow me to give you a few illustrations.

Recently I was racing through Trader Joe’s at 8:01 am to get a card for a colleague before heading to work by 8:00 am… I ran into not one, but two lovely women I know well. At the checkout line, I was chatting with one of the women, one of my son’s friends mom, about the end of the school year. I told her how relieved I was that the clock was almost done on the school year and that I just couldn’t wait for it all to be over. And here is where things start to turn. She told me she didn’t feel that way all. In fact, she told me she was sad. I will own I was a bit distracted by my haste, so may not have had my head fully in the game. That coupled with the confusion over her reaction to the end of the year threw me (see here, here, here, and here for my feelings about this time of year.) I literally just stared at her. No empathetic head tilt, no rub of her arm, and of course no hug. I had paid for my card at this point and was continuing to stare confused…sort of like a distracted deer in the headlights or maybe like she was a curiosity in a museum. Not sure really. All I know is she rescued me with a quick social prompt of, “hug me!” and so of course I did, but I don’t think it was my best work. I laughed, thanked her for the social prompt and was on my way…a bit chagrinned.

Next up we have the “having a husband’s colleagues over for dinner” hug scenario. I have had this on countless occasions and am totally stumped. Upon arrival in my home, when I have never met you before, I am happy to go with a handshake and maybe even a hand on the upper arm while shaking hands move. The warmth I need to display depends completely on the depth of relationship with my husband and therefore the number of times I have heard your name before. It is not a perfect matrix. Then, over the next several hours in my house, I get to know you, I learn about your family and your kids, I have a glass of wine and we break bread. I feel like we have connected on a basic human level. Sadly, at some point, you have to go home. What comes NOW? I literally may never see you again in my life. You may even live in another state. Am I wrong to suggest that a hug feels too intimate? Why in the world have we not invented something between a handshake and a hug? There is a cavern of difference between the two, and I am basically begging humanity to create something to occupy this space!

I am willing to own that this may be a problem unique to me. I know some people love to give hugs and receive them to and from everyone (shocking spoiler alert–my son is one of these!). But I think there may be a fair number of the rest of us hiding in the shadows of hug shame. I think it is time we leave the shadow behind and demand a better way. We don’t want to be awkwardly stuck overthinking hugs before social interactions for the rest of our lives. Or feel the pink shame of hug awkwardness as we walk out of parties. I can’t always be drying large platters when people choose to leave my house so my hands are busy and it seems less weird. I only have so many platters!

I predict a couple of things will happen now that I have penned my manifesto here. 1. Some brilliant person will come up with an answer to this issue, and our problems will be solved forever. Huzzah! This is what I consider the best case scenario. Or, 2. Every person I know in real life will now be filled with doubt when facing me in a social situation thus creating two hug overthinkers in a scenario. Basically, I have courted social awkwardness into every encounter I now have. This is definitely the worst case scenario. I feel like great pioneers must risk something when they break new ground, so I guess I am willing to risk the worst case for a chance at the best case scenario. Please friends, hugged and otherwise, help a girl out.

P.S. if I have met you in real life and awkwardly hugged you, please forgive me. I had the best of intentions.

P.P.S. Giveaways continue to happen weekly. I recently delivered the above cinnamon swirl loaf to an attendee at a birthday brunch I hosted, along with gifting the best sourdough I have ever made delivered to a very deserving and caring soul. I even sometimes hug the recipients!